Saying No: A Yoga Practice in a Coffee Shop
The author, reading The Coaching Habit, reflects on Peter Block's definition of adult relationships. They recount a conflict at their yoga studio in a coffee shop, where office workers kept turning on the AC. Despite a note saying not to, the author turned it off, leading to a confrontation with an authority figure. The author argues that saying 'No' is always an option between adults and encourages readers to consider it more often.
Between two adults, saying 'No' is always an option and not something to feel weird or anxious about.
- Aurornis
I thought this article was supposed to be about negotiating, but this person doesn't want to listen to or negotiate with anyone.
The closest they came to negotiation was when they were doing yoga alone in one room and "decided" to allow a dozen other people in a different room to turn their A/C on.
> On these days, I've told them to turn the AC off until we're done. One day, I was the only one practicing and I had to tell this to a dozen people outside the room. I will never forget the bugged looks I got back. Eventually their leader spoke up and we decided that they can turn on the AC further away from the room.
Then when the other tenants finally get sick of this, they get the owner on the phone. This is the negotiating opportunity. Instead, this person gloats about not listening:
> The man on the other end introduced himself as some authority figure and told me to turn the AC back on. He listed some vague reasons, compressor this, compressor that, costs, etc... which I didn't care to understand. But then he asked me in an accusing tone, why I turned it off despite the note saying not to. Peter Block would find this question childish. After all, two adults should be able to ask each other for what they want. They should expect a possible answer to be 'No' and be prepared to negotiate the difference.
I think they forgot to consider that the other person can also say "no". This is the climax of the negotiation opportunity, and he uses it to tell off the manager:
> After some […]
- madrox
This is poorly written with an unclear outcome. This starts as talking about how to make 1:1s more productive. It ends with, I must presume though it is unclear, losing a lease with no backup. This is not more productive.
Compromise is about figuring out how to give everybody what they want while letting go of how it happens. Turning on half the ACs is a great compromise. Whatever happened at the end is not.
To be generous to the author though, I can see how standing up for yourself in this way would feel revolutionary to someone who has never pushed back in their life. Just know this is the first step on a much longer journey. The next step is figuring out what the compromise would have been with the authority figure on the phone.
- thor-rodrigues
So at the beginning of the story you started with a rented space you and others practice yoga, and the end result is that you lost your practice room, without gaining anything else other then… slightly more confidence?
Is there supposed to be a teaching in here?
- xg15
> He listed some vague reasons, compressor this, compressor that, costs, etc... which I didn't care to understand.
wouldn't part of an "adult-to-adult conversation" also be to try and listen to the other, if nothing else than to understand their arguments?
> After some filler words, he said he will talk to the owner terminating the contract and giving a refund. I said great and hung up.
If that's what OP understands as "negotiating the difference" then ok, I guess...
- dalemhurley
I remember an executive who was like this person. They had a private office and it was a little cold so they brought in a space heater. That sent the thermostat off, suddenly the whole office became ice cold. He would not listen to anyone’s else pleas because his comfort was more important. People from building maintenance would put up signs and he would rip them down. Some people’s idea of negotiating is just forcing peoples hand until they have no choice but to terminate the relationship. We were also kicked out of the building.
- pflenker
It feels to me as if the author got it backwards - in turning the AC back on, they didn’t „say no“ - the person who put up the note has „said no“ in the first place (to the practice of turning the ACs off) and the author was ignoring this clearly visible outlined boundary that other person has drawn.
Don’t get me wrong, the note itself wasn’t great either, but ignoring it wasn’t some great sign of „saying no“ - it was needlessly escalating a conflict instead of trying to resolve it.
- serf
I felt zero sympathy after the author decided to ignore any possible valid reasoning under the cemented position of 'well I pay rent' -- that's not maturity.
Further more, my rule: the more someone tells you how mature their position is and how child like you're being the more the odds increase that the only problem is that your opponent doesn't have a mirror or an ounce of introspection.
- nkzednan
In terms of saying no - the title of this piece tho a bit tangential to the content, I’d recommend the book Set Boundaries Find Peace https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/55782639-set-boundaries-...
Also at this one event I’ve been to, there are some exercises to get people more comfortable saying no. You pair up, one person out of nowhere says no and the other person verbally celebrates the no. Then switch. There’s a guideline that if you’re a maybe say no and then take the time to reflect on why a maybe and then if realize actually a yes then can say yes and change your mind.